During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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