yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
