I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
