shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
