he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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