I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
