Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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