she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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