I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
