Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
