I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's no shave November. This is our time.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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