I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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