yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
