I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
