he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
