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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair

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• (604): View more from British Columbia

  We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.

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• (734): View more from Michigan

  The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.

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• (336): View more from North Carolina

  Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned

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• (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.

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• (661): View more from California

  GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?

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• (301): View more from Maryland

  I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs

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• (817): View more from Texas

  I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.

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• (850): View more from Florida

  Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.

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