YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
