That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
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he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
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I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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