Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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