I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
