she was so not down for the gang bang
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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