I accidentally had phone sex last night
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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