i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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