i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
