Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
