wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So many bounce houses so little time
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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