I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
