You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
