Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
