Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
