She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
