In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
