I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
