Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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