I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
