I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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