I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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