i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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