woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
