farters have to be the big spoon...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
