Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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