life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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