I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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