a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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