My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
