just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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