Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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