Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
