My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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