I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
