why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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