There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
