Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Farmville is her only friend.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
