Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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