They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
