I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
