she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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